So, I was reading through a friend of a friend's blog, and one of his fears is being alone. So I immediatly stopped reading, and thought, "Damn, I have that same fear."
Being alone; there is not one positive thought I can render about being alone.
But what does being alone really mean? How is one alone in this world, how can one possibly find the time to be alone?
I think I'm alone all the time...I have no one to love, none that love me in a loving, relationship-type way. And when everyone and their brother is hooking up, or is already hooked up with someone, its hard to walk around all day, with not so much as a loving look from someone. It's hard, not having a boyfriend, especially since I've never been in a real relationship before.
There, another aspect of being alone--being the only one around that hasn't been in a real relationship. I kinda didn't want to in high school, and there are "prospects," I guess you could say, here, but I have yet to be in a commited relationship with another human being. That's hard too. Not knowing what it is like to look someone in the face and know that they are with you, and you only, that they want to be with you, that they missed you all day just as you had missed them. That's what I want; to be able to look at my 'significant other' and just know that they are mine, (not in a demanding, I-own-you kind of way, but in a you-want-to-be-with-me-and-only-with-me-and-i-feel-the-same-way kind of mine.
Then again, I have the best people, the best friends in the entire freakin universe around me. My friends, the four closest to me being Ashtin, Sean, Amanda, and Erin, all help me realize how
not alone I really am. How much love I get from them daily is just uplifting; Amanda willing to pay $10 to see
Dead Man Walking twice, just made me feel incredibly warm; knowing that both Amanda and Sean were there in the audience, and Ashtin and Erin there with me in the play; having those four people there made me want to be better.
And I think that is what these people do to me. They want me to be a better person. To grow as a person; and by better, I don't mean like to do everything right all the time, but to be me, myself, and I; That is BETTER!
I love them. And I know they love me too.
Yet again....I keep having this internal battle within myself, usually at night, at about 1 or 2 in the morning, right before I go to sleep. I get on aim, see jason on, and I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. This is how I did feel: like I wanted him, like I needed him. He was the only one that I have even been semi-close with, and I knew that was why I was 'needing' him; but it didn't matter why. I just knew I did. But then something inside of me always made sure to ask my friends what they thought. Probably because I knew that they would talk me out of it, that they would see much more clearly than I what is really happening. And they told me no. and I listened, because I knew they were right, even though there are times still when I feel like I could go back to him, and he would make everything better.
And for a couple of hours, he probably would. I would forget about everything, and all would be gravy. But the time would come when I would have to go back to Bellarmine, back to my room, and back to emptyness, cause I knew he didn't want anything else. And maybe I don't either.
I don't know what I want. I want not to be alone. And I don't know how to fix that.
"All you need is love--"
"Love is just a game"
I don't even know if I believe that it exhists for me anymore. What a depressing thought. Love is so hard to imagine, and I just don't want to imagine anymore.
And lately I've been thinking about
who I can love. Not as who, as in specific people, but who as in people in general. As in sexes. yeah. I know.
But I've always thought about it. About the possibility that I'm attracted to women. And in a sexual way, I am sometimes. And I don't know how to deal with that, not because of the homosexuality thing, cause Lord knows I love the gays, lol, but just because...I don't know. I don't think I could ever see myself being with a girl forever. I want to get married, and I'm attracted to guys. But yet sometimes there is a pull in me to be attracted to girls. I think girls are hott, not gonna lie. And if I am ever sexually active *rolls eyes* I think I could be sexual with a girl. How do I tell people this? How are people going to react? Not that I care about most people...and I don't think my friends will care either. But you never know. Damn, why is everything is the gutdamn world so fucking hard?
So that's my epiphany.
-V
