biting

It's been quite a while since I've posted on here... maybe because I feel that not enough people read this... maybe because I think that too many people read this... maybe it's because I just don't have much to say lately...

It's been tough. I can't really say much else. It's been tough. I don't really know why. I know somewhat. It's been tough.
my hairs a mess.
my nails look disgusting.
I don't know if I'll have the time to fix them before the show tomorrow.

The show's going... just going. There's not much else to it right now. Cause when I try to make it more than that, I get shot down. Le biznatch.

some stupid tv show is on. I don't want to watch it. I also lost the remote. See the delima?

My stomach feels queezy. I have hmwk. It's not going to get done tonight. I lied.

I'm going to put a virus protection thingy on my computer. Right now.

-V

vexation

I'm so incredibly vexed, so perplexed...
The hurt that ensues cannot seem to defuse
all those things that confuse
the hell outta me.
What's a girl to do?

What's a girl to do
when she loves the guy
who loves her back?
Well, cry--of course;
be laden with remorse.
Tell him to go away
"I don't want to see you
at the end of the day!"
But to my dismay
I didn't quite weigh
the possibility
of absolutely no
emotional hostility.

A rebound,
another chance.
But it's a whole new game.
There will be no same,
no playin the game
just him, to proclaim
his love to me
and how we must be.

All I can think
is how I agree.

-V

Thoughts of you

I had this though of you,

Though it not a passing thought.

It stays with me always,

Though sometimes, like today

Like right now, at this very instant

This thought swells into a magnificent

Grandeur longing of being with you.

Of wanting to see you, feel you, hear you

Right now.

Right at this very instant.

Not next week. Not in a few days.

Not tomorrow

But right now, as I lay in my bed

My head resting, my mind busy

With thoughts of you.

(rough version)

-V

Delirious

Delirious
With the nectar of a thousand Narcissi
Ambrosia and honey fill my bosom
Wandering thoughts circle my head,
Confusing my lips, my fingertips
Delirious
With the words of the Sirens on my ears
Promising the world and all its riches
In one sweet, doleful, entrancing tone.
The soul (or lack thereof) of Hades scarcely shimmers, ‘though quite near,
as the Sirens nimbly pause to [mend]convalesce their lungs.
His words mock theirs with one, swift, sincere sentence:
Contain knowledge, wisdom and a quickening spirit
In this life ‘tis divine
But discard these words, my sweet sweet darling,
For in the life next, you are mine.

-V

Metaphorically speaking, my bee will never find its flower.

I'd bet you have no idea. I'd bet you have no idea.

I'd bet you know not.

I bet I couldn't trot
too far away.

"I miss you so, seems like it's been forever..."

a line in a song is like an emotional rope

which pulls you in forever



"Tell you I'm sorry...you don't know how lovely you are."

A few words and poof...gone. Completely...confused in the conundrum of life.



"Let me in, unlock the door, I've never felt this way before"

I would wait, for the least you'd give me, and more.



"You twist to fit the mold that I am in"

If we could lay, skin to skin?

What you don't know could fill...a pin head. maybe.

Secrets are kept, secrets are made, secrets make friendships fade...



So what to do? My mind is so utterly confused...my body tired of waiting.




Jump from one to the other. The other to the one. Circles? Yes.




And they are making me dizzy.

-V

such is the power of a Long Song

You can sit in a room with other people around. You can sit in a room with the lights on, ready to do homework, computer at the ready. You can sit there...and put your headphones on and listen to a song that will envoke the most powerful emotions. No other medium has that effect on the psyche of a human. It comes so quickly, making my mood change like the colors of a rainbow. Listen to a song to remind yourself that you are alive, to remind yourself that you are in love, to remind yourself that you are a human being with flaws, and most of all, listen to a song to remind yourself that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

There are those times, though, when a song will take you by surprise. It snuck into your playlist, you accidently hit play instead of next...but once it starts, you don't want it to stop. There are those songs that will forever be a part of my emotional being. There are those songs that make you want to burst out in tears, make you laugh outloud, make you feel like shit. I can close my eyes and for less than five minutes, be complety engulfed in a whirlwind of ecstacy--without the drug.

For a few minutes, you can be anyone you want, and have anyone you want. You can grab life by the horns, and know that your dreams are a reality (misguided as it may be). And for a few minutes, you are invincible, indistructable to the hurt of everyday life.

Or you can become powerless, a liquid mass of mush, ready for nothing, having nothing, being nothing.

That is the power of a tremendously captivating illuminated song.
Such is the power of a love song.

-V

Scared Shataki Mushrooms

A discussion that went on and on,
about a topic that I have strayed from.
Stayed away from.

Religion. God. god. gods. the Eternal. the One. the Word. the Lord. He she it.
Symbolically or metaphorically; a relic or a spirit.

Scared shitless I am. If I died right now, God, god, gods, the Eternal, the One, the Word, the Lord, he she it, would look at me and ask,

"You want to get into Heaven? Utopia? The everlasting Zion? The Afterworld that everyone likes?"

And I would stare at God, god, gods, the Eternal, the One, the Word, the Lord, he she it, and be too ashamed to say yes, I want to be in Heaven, Utopia, the everlasting Zion, the Afterworld that everyone likes.

Everyone that believes in a Christian religion believes that I shall go to Hell, the Eternal Abyss, purgatory, Hades, the inferno.

My Friends all think that I am not worthy of a life in Heaven, Utopia, the everlasting Zion, the afterworld that everyone likes.

My views are skewed, a straight line that became a magnificent painting including the red wheel barrow glazed with rain water, and a woman bent, looking into the sky as it slowly opens up and there is God, god, gods, the Eternal, the One, the Word, the Lord, he she it, about to pass judgement upon her and the rest of the ever-populated world about who will enter Heaven, Utopia, the everylasting Zion, the afterworld that everyone likes, and who will enter Hell, the Eternal Abyss, purgatory, Hades, the inferno.

She is scared shitless. The look on her face is a mix of terror, fear, desparity, passion, empathy, ectasy, concern, sorrow, joy, astoundment, and love, because she doesn't know where God, god, gods, the Eternal, the One, the Word, the Lord, he she it, will place her.

Predestined? Then who gives a shit. I'll live my life how I will. If I were predestined to accept (or be denied) God, god, gods, the Eternal, the One, the Word, the Lord, he she it, then I could become the next Hitler. The next Stalin. The next Mother Theresa. The next Pope. The next ordinary Joe employed at his corperate job or the next Peaches and Cream working the street corner for her pimp.

I stumble, I fall, I crumble when God, god, gods, the Eternal, the One, the Word, the Lord he she it, is discussed. I become weak, a jello mold that breaks and the jello mixture just flows out of the crack, never able to become the jiggly deliciousness that is Jello.

I am the woman bent, looking into the sky as it slowly opens up and there is God, god, gods, the Eternal, the One, the Word, the Lord, he she it, about to pass judgement upon

me. myself. and I myself.

"Be at peace with God (god, gods, the Eternal, the One, the Word, the Lord, he she it),
whatever you perceive him to be"
--Desiderata

There is no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing
It's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together (mmm)

I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together
--Jack Johnson

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you i set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy, Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start
--Coldplay

getting there

I hate you.


I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
nope didn't work.


I dislike you.


I dislike you. I dislike you. I dislike you.
nope. still didn't work.




I can tolerate you.


I can tolerate you. I can tolerate you. I can tolerate you.
shit. still didn't work.


I like you.


I like you. I like you. I like you.--damn it! did
not. work.




I.
I
i love you.
i love you i love you iloveyou.


Your turn.

Truthfully Lying for Blissful Love

I need to ask you just one question

but it comes in so many words

a lie, a tale, a fib continues

till truth vanishes, becomes blurred.

If life were easy then we'd all be bored

Time would seem endless, an end would be joy

To continue this white lie

which grows blacker every day

is like a knife to the heart;

it seems the only way.

Stop these feelings, bleed thine heart!

Eat the red apple, fall apart.

Wait for Prince Charming, I'm sure he'll come

if the Witch hasn't blackened his soul, become

a conspirator against your true happiness--

True happiness, a fable--there's bliss, be sure

before truth becomes an ugly lure

So my one question I have for you

Make sure to your heart thine is true:

If I could love you and you could love me

if happiness be true and true we could be

would you choose a life that's truthfully true

Or keep your true love blissfully blue

in a world that's blatantly and blissfully remiss

of the love we'd share if love were true happiness?

-V Created December 22

Happiness
Such a simple word
I can't explain this feeling which encompasses so much.

Happiness.
Such a simple word.
But does it give the meaning of simplicity?

Happiness.
Such a simple word
But what does it mean
and how do you know?

Happiness
The smile and the heart tells you so.

Sirens

I wish they would call to you,

These vexations to men of the seas.

I wish they would beckon to you

Would make you cry and sink to your knees.

I wish they would torture you

Make you beg and plead for their love

I wish they would bleed you

For your blood would be best spent bled

I have writer's block. Do you wanna know what I wrote today? Well, here it is:

I'm stuck
Stuck in school, stuck in psych, stuck in shoes.
I'm stuck
Stuck on weed, stuck on pleads, stuck on you.

*side note, I do not do drugs...Drugs are bad for you.*

I took an hour to write that piece of shit. An HOUR! Almost all of psych class (yes, I was actually in psych when I was writing that...) After reviewing this wonderful piece of literature, I wrote this:

Vanessa, this is the stupidest thing you have ever written.

Ahh...stupidest. *shakes head, then rams knife in throat*

:)

Ciao
-V

stolen and broken

A loving look she asks of you
A gentle touch, a smile, bright lights
So different, I promise I'll be
no need for bells or whistles for me
A touch yes, and fingers in deep
A pleasure in rising, we both will heed
Then back to your smiles, your audacious looks
I can tell...you are a crook!

These feelings I continue to have
Every hour of every day
haunt my dreams that are no longer
beautiful thoughts of things grand
and I have to wonder
Why my body won't stop aching
for a touch, a feel of your hand,
your mouth, your being
Please know that I don't have to love
that love is lost in those dreams that faded
into the clouds of yesterday
And whilst yesteday I knew that love
was the only way,
I see today that love is a play on words
a play on your mind, a play on your body
a play that had its final scene long, long ago.

Loneliness is a feelin that can only be described with distain; to be alone is to be miserable. To be miserable is to laugh friendship in the face, to pretend that life is nothing more than the mundane activities that make up everyday life. To be miserable is to be companionless, and nothing is worse than feeling unloved, isolated, forsaken. Punishment is a funny word; the thought it evokes thought of the here and now, of the solitary life I lead. And none seem to understand; how can you? I don't expect you to; don't expect anyone. If my life ended now, the only reason I would have to be sad was because I never got to experience love.
-V

So, I was reading through a friend of a friend's blog, and one of his fears is being alone. So I immediatly stopped reading, and thought, "Damn, I have that same fear."

Being alone; there is not one positive thought I can render about being alone.
But what does being alone really mean? How is one alone in this world, how can one possibly find the time to be alone?

I think I'm alone all the time...I have no one to love, none that love me in a loving, relationship-type way. And when everyone and their brother is hooking up, or is already hooked up with someone, its hard to walk around all day, with not so much as a loving look from someone. It's hard, not having a boyfriend, especially since I've never been in a real relationship before.

There, another aspect of being alone--being the only one around that hasn't been in a real relationship. I kinda didn't want to in high school, and there are "prospects," I guess you could say, here, but I have yet to be in a commited relationship with another human being. That's hard too. Not knowing what it is like to look someone in the face and know that they are with you, and you only, that they want to be with you, that they missed you all day just as you had missed them. That's what I want; to be able to look at my 'significant other' and just know that they are mine, (not in a demanding, I-own-you kind of way, but in a you-want-to-be-with-me-and-only-with-me-and-i-feel-the-same-way kind of mine.

Then again, I have the best people, the best friends in the entire freakin universe around me. My friends, the four closest to me being Ashtin, Sean, Amanda, and Erin, all help me realize how not alone I really am. How much love I get from them daily is just uplifting; Amanda willing to pay $10 to see Dead Man Walking twice, just made me feel incredibly warm; knowing that both Amanda and Sean were there in the audience, and Ashtin and Erin there with me in the play; having those four people there made me want to be better.

And I think that is what these people do to me. They want me to be a better person. To grow as a person; and by better, I don't mean like to do everything right all the time, but to be me, myself, and I; That is BETTER!

I love them. And I know they love me too.

Yet again....I keep having this internal battle within myself, usually at night, at about 1 or 2 in the morning, right before I go to sleep. I get on aim, see jason on, and I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. This is how I did feel: like I wanted him, like I needed him. He was the only one that I have even been semi-close with, and I knew that was why I was 'needing' him; but it didn't matter why. I just knew I did. But then something inside of me always made sure to ask my friends what they thought. Probably because I knew that they would talk me out of it, that they would see much more clearly than I what is really happening. And they told me no. and I listened, because I knew they were right, even though there are times still when I feel like I could go back to him, and he would make everything better.

And for a couple of hours, he probably would. I would forget about everything, and all would be gravy. But the time would come when I would have to go back to Bellarmine, back to my room, and back to emptyness, cause I knew he didn't want anything else. And maybe I don't either.

I don't know what I want. I want not to be alone. And I don't know how to fix that.

"All you need is love--"
"Love is just a game"

I don't even know if I believe that it exhists for me anymore. What a depressing thought. Love is so hard to imagine, and I just don't want to imagine anymore.

And lately I've been thinking about who I can love. Not as who, as in specific people, but who as in people in general. As in sexes. yeah. I know.
But I've always thought about it. About the possibility that I'm attracted to women. And in a sexual way, I am sometimes. And I don't know how to deal with that, not because of the homosexuality thing, cause Lord knows I love the gays, lol, but just because...I don't know. I don't think I could ever see myself being with a girl forever. I want to get married, and I'm attracted to guys. But yet sometimes there is a pull in me to be attracted to girls. I think girls are hott, not gonna lie. And if I am ever sexually active *rolls eyes* I think I could be sexual with a girl. How do I tell people this? How are people going to react? Not that I care about most people...and I don't think my friends will care either. But you never know. Damn, why is everything is the gutdamn world so fucking hard?

So that's my epiphany.

-V

I'm sitting here, the night you left me
I've been holding on to hope
to a hope of us, maybe together
a night of passion came and went
and I waited for a sign from you....
something...anything at all
and got a empty room filled with nothing
I don't know what to do
My mind is filled with ifs and whats
and whose going to take my place
a bed, one night, its over now
but never will escape my grasp.

How can we live in a world that hates and discriminates, that stings and burns while children cry and scream for their momma's to come clean and their dads to keep of the streets, all the while knowing they'll never--he'll never--she'll never--get out of the circle of hurt that forever will surround them?

How can we live in a world were guns become best friends and best friends become worst enemies, where money is thicker than blood, and blood runs freely on the cold, dark, empty allys---only sometimes, it's not in allys, it's right in sight, so Latasha's two year old can see the hate that shines brighter than love and that feeling of 'safe' is no longer 'safe' but 'miserable'?

How can we live in a world where children become lovers--for a price? Where entertainers get paid while heroes get slain by m-16's in foreign lands and by haters in the good 'ol USA...How can we live in a world where bombs and would-be bombs go off and killers--or would be killers get off because they didn't kill. This time. Where a mom can work three jobs to feed her three children only to come home at three in the morning to see three thin, slim, slender bodies?

How can we live in a world where sex is a sport, where 'love' in now the same as 'like', or 'appealing, or even 'compatible'? Where after hundreds of years, skin color still matters, and one person shouldn't be, but is, better than the other because "i like cream in my coffee".

Where Hip Hop is all about fucking and hoes, and fucking hoes, and dropping it like it's hot, and wishing your girlfriend was hot like me? Where I'm not black because pop, hip hop, and country rock my boat? I thought an oreo was a cookie...and a cookie was a babe...and a babe was a child... and that child is me?

How can I live in this world?

I don't know why

I don't know when

but know when it comes

it'll come with power

and devour

while we cower

and shake.

I don't know why.

I don't know when.

but when "when" becomes the then of now,

I'll love it again and again.

This game we play, you and I
I didn't know the rules
I smell your smell and think of you
I am such a fool

I don't know what you want from me
and you won't tell me either
I give and give till givings gone,
I am such a fool

Why do I let myself get sucked in
listen to tale after tale
or never hear a word from you
that's what's worst than hell

Akwardness in talking to you
has become the norm
I know my shell is showing through
and I'm losing this game for two

Please don't you take a look at me
for you'll see all these scars
that you've so neatly planted on me
yet kept me asking for more

I can't play this game anymore
It's taken its toll on me
A quarter for a ride's all you ask
but I want the whole damn pie